Maybe in Time
by poetryismyfirstlove
Summary: AU Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.- Dion Boucicault We are creatures ruled by time. We are finite and temporary. We were born this way. We follow a certain clock that keeps our lives in order. Everything happening as they should. There is a time for joy, a time for sorrow, a time for hope, a time for peace, a time for love and a time for death.
1. Chapter 1

_Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave_  
_Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;_  
_Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave._  
_I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned._

_- Edna St. Vincent Millay_

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there.

And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be,

because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent.

It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you,

but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away.

Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

- Steve Jobs

* * *

My friends say I am obsessed with death. Not really, I just have a healthy appreciation for it. It's all true anyway. We'll all die someday.

I know I'm being clinical talking about death, but really, when you're a doctor death is as real as it gets. It's around me everyday. You get to deal with the death of patients.

I don't mind the elderly dying. It's inevitable for them anyway. With their death, there is a certain quiet dignity, a knowing that they'll have eternal rest at last. But when it's someone young or a child, I feel so much regret and anger. Sometimes you ask yourself whether you've done the best you could. So much youth wasted, nipped in the bud early.

The worse end of this deal is letting their relatives know about it. Telling them that their loved one is dead is not a task you'd want to do but someone has to. They either hate you or cry on your shoulder but it's all a part of it. Sometimes comforting others is the hardest thing to do.

I've been at Panem hospital for 3 years now. Has it really been 3 years since I finished med school? It felt like ages already. Residency is killing me.

I looked up from my seat by the nurse station watching the ER floor. It was a slow day today. We only have a whole family with food poisoning and an asthmatic in exacerbation right now. So far I have only had 4 admissions since I took post at 8 this morning and it was about lunch time, usually we would have admitted 10 by now.

We've admitted a case of an acute MI at the ICU, a GSW which went straight to the OR, a post-eclamptic patient who was now taken care of by the OB-ROD, and an elderly with lower GI bleeding.

I was counting time until I get my lunchbreak when the doors opened with an unconscious blonde young man on a stretcher, pale and bleeding profusely from cut wrists.

"Male, suicide by the looks of it, found in a restroom" the paramedic said.

I immediately stood up, all thoughts of food forgotten, and ordered everyone to do their jobs.

"VS now. I want a double line G18 and fluids running. Cut his clothes and get me a catheter. Clean those wounds and pack them with gauze. Put a torniquet on his arms to lessen the bleed. Call the lab for CBC, bloodtyping stat. We need to transfuse blood" I hollered.

"Doctor he's crashing. BP is 0 and Cardiac rate is slowing down." The nurse said

"1 amp epinephrine now and start CPR. Give me the intubation set" I instructed as I got ready to intubate him. Nobody died in my watch. Not if I could help it.

We continued CPR and ambubagging for the next 10 minutes until we got him back. BP however was still palpatory. So we started pressors and blood transfusion. I called the OR and had him scheduled for surgery.

In 30 minutes, he was called to the OR and I was praying that he'd make it okay. I gathered his personal effects to check who he was and to notify his relatives.

I didn't think I would get the biggest shock of my life when I saw the ID in his wallet.

_Peeta Mellark._


	2. Chapter 2

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening. But no matter how hard death tries, it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.

- Anonymous

* * *

It can't be him, could it? 10 years has passed. I don't recognize him anymore. I was 4 years older than him and I remembered him as the young boy whom I used to babysit, back at our old neighbourhood in district 12. He was always so playful and happy go lucky back then and he had really nice parents. I couldn't think of a reason why he'd want to end his life.

As I inspected his wallet, I saw a folded piece of paper that was already very creased from the many times it seemed to have been folded and unfolded.

I was curious as I opened it up, why Peeta has been keeping it for so long.

And I remembered that day 10 years ago.

_I was 18 when I got accepted into a straight program to study medicine. I would be moving to Capitol for my studies and I was doing my round of farewells to my friends. _

_My last stop would be at the Mellarks to say goodbye to Peeta. He has grown up to be a handsome young man and I'm sure someday he'll be breaking hearts with his smile. But then, his parents raised him well and personally, I think I helped raised him well with me baby-sitting him before and with our tutorial lessons._

_As I neared their house, I found him sitting by their gate._

_"What are you doing there Peeta?" I asked._

_"I was waiting for you. I heard you were making your farewell rounds" he replied almost miserably._

_"Why are you sad? Aren't you happy that I will make my dreams come true?" I said trying to cheer him up._

_"I'm happy that your dreams will come true. But why do you have to move far away?" he asked me in a pleading tone._

_"Because sometimes our dreams take us to places where we've never been before." I said, trying to sound deep and wise. _

_In reality, I was scared of moving. But I know some dreams come at a price and if I wanted to be a doctor, then this is a sacrifice I must do._

_"What about me? Am I included in your dreams?" he asked again. This time he looked straight into my eyes, and suddenly he was not just a little boy throwing tantrums anymore._

_I don't think I understood what he meant. I just looked at him confused. "What are you saying Peeta?"_

_"I love you Katniss" he said as he held my hand and placed on my palm a thin gold necklace with a heart pendant._

_"I can't accept this." I said. _

_"The necklace or my love?" he asked._

_"Both" I said. "You're still too young. I'm not sure you understand what love is at your age. I don't even understand it myself." _

_"I may be younger than you, but I know what I feel. I love you" he said, more forcefully this time, stressing each word. _

_His next move caught me by surprise when he leaned in and kissed me._

_My cheeks burned at the sudden intrusion of his lips. How he could do that to me. I was older than him! How did he come from being a cute playful boy to a boy confessing his love for me then stealing a kiss! _

_ "Why would you do that! How could you love me? When did this start?" I asked finding the words to say how bewildered and curious I am, how someone as young as him could make such grand gestures._

_"I don't know myself. It's your fault too Katniss. You've always been there. I don't notice other girls besides you, even if the other girls at school try to get my attention. You're all I see and think about." He replied._

_"This is crazy Peeta. I'm letting this pass as just some teenage fantasy. You're only fourteen. Maybe you're just confused." _

_"Why do you keep on insisting I am a kid? 4 years is not so long. I've known you almost since I could remember, and I have never known you to have fallen in love. Have you been in love Katniss? Have you? Because until you have, you don't get to say anything about what I feel!" He shot back at me angrily._

_"4 years is a long time, Peeta. Lots of things could happen between now and when you reach my age. Maybe by that time you would've forgotten about me and moved on to a different girl." I said, trying to reason with him._

_"Then wait for me. Say you'll wait for me" he pleaded. _

_"Falling in love is a complicated busines. Your heart will break many times before you get it right. And even if we're of the same age, falling in love is not my priority right now." I said as firmly as I could, letting my meaning sink into him._

_"You know what you said about hearts breaking? There goes number one." he said looking pained._

_"I'm sorry Peeta. I'll be leaving tomorrow. I was supposed to say goodbye and hope we'd keep in touch. I don't want us to part like this" I said guiltily._

_"You've already made your decision. You've rejected my love but please keep the necklace. It's yours. Consider it as my farewell present" he said in a clipped tone._

_I don't want him like this. I pulled Peeta into a hug. He was still 14 but he was almost as tall as me already. I hugged him for being the cute boy I was leaving, for being the boy who confessed his love for me, for being sorry that I rejected him and for all the reasons I could not think of right now. He hugged me back just as tight for a while before pushing me away._

_"Could we still be friends?" I asked trying to hold on to the Peeta I knew, although I knew things will never be the same again. _

_He laughed a little sarcastic laugh. "If you really still want to then let me break your heart, kill who you thought you were, tear your world into little pieces, ruin your dreams, then I'll ask you if we can still be friends"_

_He threw me a look of pure contempt before he turned his back from me and entered their house. I was left on the pavement holding on to the heart necklace he gave me. _

_For the first time I cried for a boy, wondering how everything went horribly wrong. Have I made a mistake? Because seeing and hearing Peeta like that, I felt my own heart break._

_The next morning, we were all packed in the car ready to go. As we were leaving, my thoughts would not leave Peeta. I was even awake the whole night thinking. We passed by their house and in a burst of panic I asked my father to stop the car. I got out with a pen and paper in hand and left him a note._

_Maybe in time_


	3. Chapter 3

_I had a dream last night_  
_I dreamt that I was swimming_  
_And the stars up above_  
_Directionless and drifting_  
_Somewhere in the dark_  
_Were the sirens and the thunder_  
_And around me as I swam_  
_The drifters who'd gone under_

_Time love_  
_Time love_  
_Time love_  
_It's only a change of time_

_- Change of Time, John Ritter_

* * *

Finally the surgery was done. He was lucky that no tendons were damaged otherwise he would've ruined his hands. All they did was repair some of his vessels.

I kept a vigil beside his bed after they have transferred him to the post-anesthesia care unit. He was still intubated, but thankfully his vitals have stabled and my colleague said that if he continues to do well he'd be out of pressors and all he'd need would be blood transfusion from the massive hemorrhage. We'd just have to wait and see if he wakes up as well so they could extubate him.

I was lucky I was able to call his parents and said they'd be here in the morning. It was an awkward call, my first call to them in 10 years and I was informing them that their son was in a life and death situation. We didn't even have time to exchange pleasantries but they were thankful that I was there.

I was carefully holding Peeta's bandaged hand in mine, still wondering why he did this to himself. How did he get the courage to bleed his life out? But then he was always a courageous kid. Heck! He even found the guts to confess to me back then.

"What happened to you Peeta?" I murmured as I stared at his face, trying to see if the boy I knew was still there or whether the handsome man I am looking at now is already a stranger.

From what I have gathered from his stuff, Peeta has become a freelance photographer. That was printed on his calling card. I was glad he was able to reach that dream of his. Even as a kid, he had an eye for beauty.

I'm not into the habit of praying, God knows that. But for him, I prayed as hard as I could. He was still young. He could do more. I prayed for God to give him more time.

It was morning when I felt his fingers move. I looked up and saw him shift in bed. He opened his eyes and was soon gagging. I asked the nurse on duty to call the ROD so we could extubate him.

After extubation, he was again sleeping and was breathing normally. His O2 sats were good so we transferred him to a private room. We were waiting for him to be fully conscious. Only then would we know if he was really okay. After all he did die for about 10 minutes.

His parents came at around 10am, looking just as harassed as I did. I was supposed to be off today but I decided to stay and talk to them. I know the other doctors would do the job well but I wanted to be there for them. A familiar face always helps to ease anxieties. I'd just take a shower later and change clothes, I've decided.

"Mr. Mellark! Mrs. Mellark!" I greeted them.

"Oh Katniss! It's been a long time. What happened to our Peeta? I'm so glad you were here! Who knew after all this time we'd meet like this?" Peeta's mom blabbered on as she cried while hugging me.

"It's okay Mrs. M. He's doing better now. But we still have to wait for him to wake up to see if he'll really be okay." I reassured them.

"We are so glad that you were there when he needed you. Thank you so much for saving our son." Peeta's dad said tearfully and hugged me as well.

It might look weird for people to see a grown woman, and a doctor at that, trapped between the arms of 2 elderly couples bawling their eyes. I carefully disentangled myself from them and motioned for them to sit at the couch.

"It's nothing Mr and Mrs. M. If it weren't me, I know some other doctor would've done the same. It's all part of our profession. That was why I wanted to be one" I said humbly.

"Still, we're happy it was you. I hope Peeta wakes up and sees you now. You've grown much prettier, even Peeta has grown handsome as well. You should've seen him when he was in highschool, he fancied himself a heartbreaker. Aah! It's been ages since you two were together. Not since you moved away from our old neighbourhood. How come I don't see you when you visit your parents? You used to be inseparable. Peeta always tailing behind you. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you." Peeta's mom gushed despite the situation.

I offered an awkward smile. What could I say? I don't think your son would be so pleased to see me as I broke his heart 10 years ago. After what went on our last day together, I don't think that this will be a happy reunion. But still, why did he still have that note with him?

I was cut from my thinking when Peeta's dad interjected. "I'm surprised you two haven't seen each other. Peeta has moved here about 2 years ago. Says he wants to man up and prove himself. Did you know he takes pictures for the magazine Mockingjay?"

"I saw his calling card" I said.

Peeta's mom went on to tell "And he keeps on telling stories of the famous people he met and the models he dated. Although, he never brought anyone home. Sometimes I wonder if he has a girlfriend already."

At this, I felt uncomfortable.

"He's been a good boy but he hasn't come home to visit this year, says he's too busy. We keep on telling him we'd be the one to visit and he says no. And the time we get to it, it's all like this." Peeta's dad said sadly.

I saw auntie and uncle grab each other's hands for comfort.

"Did Peeta ever tell you anything going wrong with his work or relationships? Has he sounded depressed lately?" I asked carefully, hoping I wasn't too inquiring.

"That's the problem. He was always happy when he called. Well except for the time when he sounded off 3 months ago but that was because he said he had the stomach flu." Peeta's mom said.

I was left into thinking why. But I decided Peeta would be the only one to know the answer to our question and until he wakes up, we could only speculate. I decided to step out for a while and let them have their time with Peeta. I'd use the time to freshen up before I come back and bring them some lunch at noon.

"If it's okay with you, Mr. and Mrs. M, I'd go out first and be back later." I said as I rose from my seat.

"Take your time, dear. And thank you." Peeta's mom said as she hugged me again while Peeta's dad gave me a pat on the shoulder.

As I left his room, I saw his parents come near his bed. His mom was holding his hand and caressing his face. Both were quietly murmuring "Why, Peeta, why?"

Back at my apartment, I made a good deal of scrubbing myself of yesterday's dirt and grime. I noticed a few bruises on my legs. Well in the heat of things, I must have bumped into something again. I changed into new clothes, passed by a deli and got lunch and went straight back to the hospital

When I opened the door to his room, I saw Peeta's parents hovering about the bed. I came closer to see what it was about and noted that Peeta was stirring in his sleep. He was starting to wake up. I pressed on the intercom and told the nurse to call the doctor.

After what seemed like a minute, he opened his eyes. He was first to see his parents. They were both teary-eyed and smiling at him.

"How are you feeling son?" Peeta's dad asked.

"Don't worry Peeta, mom's here to take care of you" his mom reassured him. "Look even Katniss is here"

I was not happy to have the spotlight thrown on me. Peeta looked to my direction.

I was not ready to meet his gaze just yet. I still remember that the last look he gave me was full of contempt and I couldn't bear for him to look at me like that again.

Blue eyes stared into my own pair of gray and an unfamiliar feeling seized my heart.

"Katniss…"


	4. Chapter 4

_I can hear what you're thinking_  
_All your doubts and fears_  
_And if you look in my eyes, in time you'll find_  
_The reason I'm here_

_You know your days are numbered_  
_Count them one by one_  
_Like notches in the handle of an outlaw's gun_  
_You can outrun the devil, if you try_  
_But you'll never outrun the hands of time_

_In time there surely, come a day_  
_In time all things shall pass away_  
_In time you may come back some say_  
_To live once more, or die once more_  
_But in time, your time will be no more_

_- In Time, Mark Collie_

* * *

Peeta made a fast recovery. I visited him as many times as I could despite my schedule. After about a week, the doctors proclaimed him fit to come home. As a rule, the hospital had him undergo psychiatric evaluation but nothing conclusive came up. He said he'll just take a leave from work and stay with his parents.

I never got around to asking him why nor did his parents. He was making such good recovery, always in high spirits that his parents didn't want to dampen it by reminding him why he landed in the hospital in the first place.

He seemed back to the old Peeta I know. Seriously has he forgotten about what happened between us before?

On his last day while his parents cleared with his hospital bill, I dropped by his room and saw him standing looking out of the window seemingly in deep thought.

"You're not thinking of jumping are you?" I tried to joke, which was very bad on my part.

"Of course not Katniss, that would hurt a lot and I don't know if you'd be able to save me again." He quipped.

"Then what were you thinking about?" I queried.

"That I don't want to die, not right now anyway." He said smiling, trying to kid around.

"Good thinking. By the way, I brought your stuff, the ones you had when you were brought here." I said rather awkwardly.

"Oh thanks" he said as he checked his belongings.

"You're welcome" I replied.

I guess my part here was done but I couldn't seem to make myself move. I was undecided whether to step out or not. I wanted to prolong this moment with him but I don't know how.

Before I knew it, the question that's been bothering me slipped from my lips.

"Why do you still have that paper Peeta?"

He seemed to ponder on the question before he answered me.

"It has been like a charm to me, I guess. Since you left, I always had this with me. It felt like a part of you stayed with me. Sounds crazy right?"

"Not really, I get what you mean. I don't want to shatter the new found thing we have right now, but what happened Peeta? You're acting as if nothing bad ever happened between us. If my memory serves me right, you said we were never going to be friends again not until…"

Peeta cut me before I could finish. "I know what I said and I'm sorry. I was very hurt then but later on I realized I had no right to lash at you nor hurt other girls just because I was mad at you."

"Your mom told me you were a regular heartbreaker" I interjected.

"I've regretted that. When you'd return for the holidays, I felt ashamed to show my face to you again. I was much of a coward to apologize about the hurtful things I said back then. I didn't know how to take them back. You didn't ask me to fall for you. It was my entire fault."

I felt sorry looking at Peeta so down. "Don't be hard on yourself Peeta. It was my fault too for being hard on you. I had no right to belittle your feelings then. And I don't blame you one bit for the things you said. It just hurt that's all. I was so sure you were mad at me that I didn't bother coming by your place when I come home. I was so sorry that our friendship suffered."

There was an awkward pause as we thought about each other's apologies.

"Could we start over?" he asked sincerely.

"I would very much like that" I replied smiling at him.

For a long time, my heart felt at peace once again. Not until Peeta decided to open his mouth again.

"Katniss, I've been meaning to ask this for a long time, but what exactly did you mean with your note?" Peeta asked with a smirk on his face, looking intently at me with his blue eyes.

I flustered a little. Peeta has come a long way up from being that young boy to a man who knows his way around ladies. I must be careful to not fall for his charms.

"It means exactly what it says." I replied.

"Will you ever tell me?" he asked.

"Maybe in time" I replied cheekily.

He mulled this over and decided to let it go for now.

"How about you Peeta? Would you tell me why you?" I started to ask.

"Tried to kill myself?" he finished. He turned his back to me, facing the window again looking far-off.

"I didn't like myself anymore. I was tired of the same crap. Not having anything worth living for."

"Have you told your parents about this?" I cautiously asked.

"No. and please don't tell them. I don't want to hurt them. I realize my mistake now and I'm actually glad to be alive" he replied.

"That's good to hear Peeta."

"Actually it's all thanks to you. I have a reason to live now." He said turning around, his gaze now fixed on me.

I felt myself blush and I was uncomfortable once again. "You don't have to go into extremes thanking me Peeta. Anyway, I'm still on duty so I'll go ahead." I said as I hurried to escape, fully aware of the distressed beating of my heart.

It's only been 3 days since Peeta was released from the hospital but I was missing him already.

I was sitting by the nurse station, checking on the lab reports as they came in.

Suddenly, I received a text message.

Miss me? =)

Does he have ESP? I got to hand it to that kid. Lately, we've been exchanging text messages. And it was always a nice surprise to receive one from him.

You wish I started to type but thought better.

If you say so =p

Not a minute later, I received another reply from him.

I miss you T_T

I was smiling as I read his message, a warm tingling fills my heart. I was going to reply to him again when I suddenly had a nosebleed. I excused myself and went to the restroom.

I washed my face and put cold water on my nape. The bleeding stopped eventually. I looked up at the mirror and saw my pale face staring back at me. I noticed there were a few bruises on my arms.

Oh God please no.


	5. Chapter 5

_Summer don't know me_  
_He just let me love in my sea_  
_Cause I do know, Lord_  
_from you that just died_

_Don't stop the buck when it comes_  
_It's the dawn, you'll see_  
_Money won't get there_  
_Ten years passed tonight_  
_You'll flee_

_If you do that_  
_I'll be some_  
_To find you_

_I saw that day_  
_Lost my mind_  
_Lord, I'll find_  
_Maybe in time_  
_You'll want to be mine_

_- El Manana, Gorillaz_

* * *

I filed an indefinite leave from work. I went home to my parents and told them the news. They cried as I have expected but they have always been supportive of me, respecting my wishes.

My first day back, Peeta was already there to visit me.

"News sure travels fast" I said as I opened the door and saw him.

"Of course. I'm here to visit my favourite doctor" he replied as he came in.

"I'm resting Peeta. Why don't you bother some other girl in the neighbourhood" I suggested.

"Do you really want me too?" he asked rather seriously.

I felt a prick in my chest as he said so.

"If that's what you want" I said and shrugged my shoulders.

"Nah! Been there, done that. Besides, I already have the girl I want right here" he said and looked at me with those blue eyes again. Seriously, looking at another person like that should be illegal.

"Peeta, we've only started out as friends again so please stop." I said.

"Stop what?" he asked feigning innocence.

"Stop looking at me like that!" I said all flustered as he kept on looking at me.

"Are you bothered Katniss?" he said teasing me.

Idiot! He really shouldn't mess with me right now.

"Go home Peeta. Just drop by again later. I want to rest for a while" I said.

"Okay then. But if I do, you'd stop treating me like a kid." he said as he opened the door.

"Eh?" I threw him a confused look. Now what is he up to?

"You have got to realize that I'm all grown up now" he said as he grinned and closed the door.

He sure has.

True to his word, Peeta dropped by and brought me some pretty flowers.

"What's this for?" I asked. "It's not Valentine's and I'm not sick. It's not even my birthday"

"I just felt like it. Besides, isn't a guy supposed to give flowers to girls they l…"

I cut Peeta before he could say more. "I thought I made it clear Peeta. We're only just friends"

"I was hoping I could change your mind about that. I've had a lot of time in my hands when you were gone Katniss. And there was never a day I didn't think about you. It took me a failed suicide attempt just to see you again. And now that I was given a chance again, I'll be damned if I let you get away from my life again."

I was struck with the honesty and sincerity of his words.

"Look, all I'm asking is a chance. I'm not making any promises, but I do know one thing, I'll regret it if I don't at least try. When I saw you again that day at the hospital, I felt like a dying man given his life back. I feel I am most myself when I am with you. Please let me prove to you the man I am now. All this time, it has always been you. I love you Katniss" he said as he took my hand in his.

"You don't even have to love me back, just let me love you. But I know you'd be lying if you say you don't feel a thing for me." he said as he stared into my eyes.

I didn't know what to say. Rejecting him again, would hurt the both of us. It seemed that giving him a chance was the better option.

Could we actually work? I believed in chances and that once presented you should take them because you never know when you'd have them again. It's a part of my philosophy. So everything I did in my life, I did once and gave it my best.

But one chance at love?

"Alright, one chance" I said.

"That's all I need" he said as he hugged me.

I hugged him back, still worried of how this will all end.

"Maybe… just maybe in time, you'll want to be mine" I heard him murmur.

Oh God, I don't want to be selfish but I hope I don't regret this.


	6. Chapter 6

_A time for summer skies_  
_For hummingbirds and butterflies_  
_For tender words that harmonize with love_

_A time for climbing hills_  
_For leaning out of windowsills_  
_Admiring the daffodils above _

_A time for holding hands together_  
_A time for rainbow coloured weather_  
_A time of make believe that we've been dreaming of_

_As time goes drifting by_  
_The willow bends and so do I_  
_But oh my friends whatever sky above _

_I've known a time for spring _  
_A time for fall_  
_But best of all_  
_A time for love_

_ - A Time for Love, Jamie Cullum_

* * *

The next few days would be spent with me and Peeta going out on dates to the mall or movies, eating out on picnics or taking long walks. He made the experience fun and unforgettable.

I've got to admit to myself that I missed out on things like this. I restricted myself wanting to concentrate on my studies that I never bothered with boys. Not that no one is asking of course, but because I could never bring myself to.

We were out in the park, sitting by the grass and eating ice cream, watching the world pass us by. I sighed in content which Peeta caught.

"What was the sigh for? What were you thinking?" he asked as he held my hand and played with my thumbs.

"Nothing" I said embarrassed that he'd find out.

"Come on, tell me." he prodded as I remained tight-lipped, shaking my head while smiling.

"Alright, right now I'll tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that there's no place on earth I'd rather be right now than here with you" he said as he stared into my eyes once again.

Oh! I almost melted with his words. Darn it! Those eyes again. I squeezed his hand in mine, trying to get the courage to speak up.

"I was just thinking that I wish someone else is also doing the exact same thing as us." I shyly said.

Peeta smiled and touched my face with his hands. His thumb grazed my upper lip wiping the remnants of the ice cream.

I could only stare back at him dumbly, immobilized by his touch. I feel my cheeks heating up as he neared his face to mine.

Oh my God! He's going to kiss me! My mind was shouting. I did not move instead I just closed my eyes and waited for the impact.

I felt his soft lips lightly on mine tracing the outline of my own lips with feathery kisses until he started to nip gently on my lips. I couldn't help but sigh. Just then I felt him deepen the kiss, angling his mouth to mine.

I could not resist myself from kissing him back. I returned every kiss he gave. It was over almost before I knew it as he pulled back for air.

I opened my eyes to look at him a little dazed, still reeling from the kiss that was so far from the first kiss we shared.

For the first time, I was questioning the need for air. I wish it could have lasted longer. Breathing has got to be one the weaknesses of being human.

"So have you changed your mind yet?" he asked.

I looked away, feeling the pounding in my heart get stronger, a smile coming to my lips. "Maybe you should change my mind more"


	7. Chapter 7

_You said it again my heart's in motion_  
_Every word feels like a shooting star_  
_I'm at the edge of my emotions_  
_Watching the shadows burning in the dark,_

_And I'm in love and I'm terrified._  
_For the first time in the last time_  
_In my only life._

_-Terrified, Katharine Mcphee_

* * *

Peeta and I went out again but I was feeling out of it so I asked him to take me home. On the way home, he was being annoying again, pestering me with questions.

"So have you changed your mind yet?" he asked.

"Not now Peeta." I said annoyed, feeling myself getting drained.

"You always say that. If not now, then when do you want to talk about it?!'" he asked in a raised voice.

"I don't know. You'll know when I know" I said trying to end the conversation.

"Will that time ever come Katniss?"

"What do you want from me Peeta? If you're so impatient then why bother sticking with me?!" I lashed back.

"I guess because I'm just a glutton for punishment. What's your problem? You never give me straight answers. What more should I do?" he pleaded.

"There's nothing you could do Peeta. You're not the problem, I am." I admitted as tears escaped from my eyes. There's no point hiding things form him anymore.

"What are you saying?" he asked alarmed.

"I don't have much time left."

"What do you mean?" he asked looking every bit in denial.

"I mean exactly what I said Peeta. I was diagnosed with leukaemia when I was 4 then I had treatment and eventually I got better. That's why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place. My parents allowed me. I love being a doctor. It gave me sense and purpose. That even if I can't save myself, I could save others. I was in remission for many years but then it just recurred. We always knew it would. My prognosis this time is not that good."

Peeta looked as if he just got punched in the stomach. Staring at me with wide eyes, opening and closing his mouth but no sound came out until…

"So you're like dying? Is that what you wanted to tell me?" he finally said.

"Yes." I whispered.

"And you couldn't be bothered to tell me this?" he asked in exasperation.

"It's why I never wanted to start this with you in the first place. It would be unfair to you" I admitted.

"What's unfair is you not letting me know. And it would've still been my choice if I wanted to stay by your side and love you. God, we wasted so much time Katniss." He said bitterly.

"It was my choice and my decision. Didn't you think I was hurting too?" I pulled out from my shirt the necklace he gave me.

"You kept it?" he asked in surprise.

"Of course I did. You gave it to me. I thought at first that when you confessed to me it was just a schoolboy crush, a passing thing. One you would get over. It hurt me what I did to you but I thought you'd get over it. But then the look you gave me that day when you told me we couldn't be friends again, broke my heart. It made me rethink and re-examine my feelings. And I thought maybe I'd reconsider in a few years."

"And?" he prompted me to continue.

"Years passed and boys came and go but I could never bring myself to fall for anyone. It was easy not to when I think about my sickness recurring. I never thought we'd meet again. Meeting you again has changed all that and I don't know how to cope with death, with you in my life." I said, the truth already out in the open.

"You could start by saying how much you love me." Peeta said, feebly trying to joke.

"But it doesn't change the fact that I would still be unfair to you. I don't want to love you then leave you. Just thinking about it breaks my heart" I said.

"Weren't you the one who said, love is complicated and that our hearts would break many times before we get it right? We have a chance to do what's right. It would be unfair for me to not ever hear you say you love me."

I stared back at him, encouraged by his words. I've been holding out on myself for a long time, restricting myself from loving him. Maybe it wasn't too late for us yet.

"I love you Peeta."

He pulled me into his arms and wrapped them around me, looked at me with eyes full of happiness, and kissed me. I never thought kisses could get any better but right now I'd say was the best yet. Peeta kissed me with a love to last a lifetime.

His lips parted from mine, kissing my nose and forehead before touching his own forehead with mine.

In a breathy whisper he asked, "Will you marry me?"


	8. Chapter 8

_Time stands still_  
_Beauty in all she is_  
_I will be brave_  
_I will not let anything take away_  
_What's standing in front of me_  
_Every breath_  
_Every hour has come to this_  
_One step closer_

_I have died everyday waiting for you_  
_Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_  
_For a thousand years_  
_I'll love you for a thousand more_

_- A Thousand Years, Christina Perri_

* * *

"This is not funny Peeta" was my first reaction, breaking free from his embrace. I did not want him to pity me.

"I thought you love me?" Peeta asked confused.

"Of course I do. But it's not fair what you're asking. It's like offering candy to a diabetic. Do not tempt a dying girl Peeta." I warned him.

"This is not a pity ask Katniss. Is it so bad for me to marry the girl I love? If you are right and you only have a little time left, don't you want to spend it with me? If I also had a little time left, I know I'd want to spend it with you." He said calmly.

How could he be calm about this? He was carrying the pressure better than I thought. Or maybe he's just pretending for my sake? Not acting scared. I've known this for a long time and I'm still scared.

"But what if I die then leave you?" I asked.

"Then I'd cry and grieve which is only normal, but it would still be worth it. I'll take whatever time you have because I love you. Besides, even marriage does not guarantee eternal happiness. Doesn't the vow go something like 'for as long as we both shall live' or 'til death do us part'?"

I thought over what he said, appreciating how mature he has grown and how solid he was in his love for me. Maybe I should be like him and put a stronger faith in our love for each other.

I stared at him, his face a mirror of seriousness and determination. If he was so set to marry me, why should I deny him the only thing I could do for him? Besides, I already told him I love him, why not go the whole way, right?

"Yes, I will marry you."

It was only a small wedding filled with our family and close friends, but I loved it just the same. Our parents had been ecstatic although I know they worry for us.

As the time for the ring ceremony came, Peeta and I recited our own vows as we slipped the rings on each others' fingers.

"I, Katniss Everdeen, take thee Peeta Mellark, as my lawfully wedded husband. You're everything I never knew I was missing. You're the love of my life. I love and cherish you with all that I am for the rest of my life. "

"I, Peeta Mellark, take thee Katniss Everdeen, as my lawfully wedded wife. This moment is everything that I have been waiting for. This is a once in a lifetime thing for me. You are mine as I am yours. I have always loved you and I will go on loving you with all that I am for all of my life."

Peeta and I had a wonderful honeymoon. Right now, I have never felt this bliss and content in my life, not even the satisfaction I get at being a doctor compares to this.

We moved into our own house not far from our parents. Both Peeta and I decided to stop from work although we both know the reason why I'm not coming back. And I think Peeta doesn't want to return to work because of me, because he wanted to spend as much time with me.

He made married life feel fun and easy. He always took care of my needs; feeding me with his superb cooking, massaging my back and feet, reading me books and accompanying me to my hospital visits.

But still, I worry when the time would come I would succumb to my illness. Peeta and I don't talk about it much but it's always there lurking, silent and deadly.

We were already 6 months into our marriage. Peeta would not speak about it, always calling me beautiful, but I know I've been looking worse.

I had poor appetite recently and been losing weight. My body has become thin and my face has lost its chubby cheeks. I look pale and my hair has lost its luster. More bruises are coming up and I could feel pain in my joints when I stand and walk. So I stay in the bed most of the day with Peeta beside me.

I woke up from a nap earlier after I felt tired and found Peeta sleeping beside me with his arms wrapped around me. I looked at his handsome face, realizing he also looked tired and seemed to have also lost weight. I felt guilt wash over me over his sacrifices for me.

Sometime from now, I would leave him alone. I love him so much that the thought of being apart from him scares me. I don't even know how I was able to live without him all those years ago.

Tears then leaked from my eyes and my shoulders rocked from the crying, which woke him up.

"Baby, why are you crying? Are you hurting?" he asked full of concern.

I could only nod through my sobs.

"Where does it hurt?"

"Here" I said as I pointed to my heart.

"Oh! Come here." He said as he opened his arms and embraced me in a tight hug, rubbing my back to pacify me.

"Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by you. Was I selfish to love you Peeta?" I asked.

"I'd probably do the same. You could love me now then leave me tomorrow. So long as you love me"

"Peeta, I'm scared" I confessed.

"Then let's be scared together."

We made love differently that day. Unlike the first time where we were both driven by passion, it was tantalizingly slow and gentle.

As if we had all the time in the world.

With every look, kiss and touch, Peeta erased all my fears, that when we were one, I was reminded that I got it right.

Because being with him at that moment, I was exactly where I should be.


	9. Chapter 9

_If I die young, bury me in satin_  
_Lay me down on a bed of roses_  
_Sink me in the river at dawn_  
_Send me away with the words of a love song..._

_There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever_  
_Who would have thought forever could be severed by_  
_The sharp knife of a short life_  
_Well, I've had just enough time_

_ -If I Die Young, The Band Perry_

* * *

Peeta and I just finished our lunch when I asked him to buy some ice cream for the apple pie he bought. I was feeling hungry that day. It was a rare occasion nowadays when I would feel a craving for something so Peeta would always indulge me.

"I'll just go to the store so don't cheat on eating the pie without me. Wait for me, okay?" he said, making sure I follow him.

"I promise" I said, like an obedient girl and kissed him just before he stepped out. "I love you."

"I love you too"

After Peeta left, I went to the kitchen to slice the pie. The doorbell rang so I opened the door, thinking Peeta forgot something but I saw the postman instead.

I received a letter addressed to Peeta from the hospital. I was curious what the letter was about and so I opened it. I knew it was unethical of me but I felt something wrong about it.

When I read the letter, my mind went blank and I felt a cold chill up my spine. My knees buckled and so I held on to the side table to prevent myself from falling.

And conversations flashed through my mind of things that should have made me aware about Peeta's condition before now.

_"except for the time when he sounded off 3 months ago but that was because he said he had the stomach flu"_

_ "You're not thinking of jumping are you?" _

_"Of course not Katniss, that would hurt a lot and I don't know if you'd be able to save me again."_

_"Then what were you thinking about?" _

_"That I don't want to die, not right now anyway."_

_"How about you Peeta? Would you tell me why you?" _

_"Tried to kill myself?" _

_"I didn't like myself anymore. I was tired of the same crap. Not having anything worth living for."_

_"Have you told your parents about this?" _

_"No. and please don't tell them Katniss. I don't want to hurt them. I realize my mistake now and I'm actually glad to be alive" _

_"That's good to hear Peeta."_

_"Actually it's all thanks to you. I have a reason to live now."_

_"It took me a failed suicide attempt just to see you again. And now that I was given a chance again, I'll be damned if I let you get away from my life again." _

_"Look, all I'm asking is a chance. I'm not making any promises, but I do know one thing, I'll regret it if I don't at least try. When I saw you again that day at the hospital, I felt like a dying man given his life back."_

_"What's unfair is you not letting me know. And it would've still been my choice if I wanted to stay by your side and love you. God, we wasted so much time Katniss." _

_"Weren't you the one who said, love is complicated and that our hearts would break many times before we get it right? We have a chance to do what's right. It would be unfair for me to not ever hear you say you love me." _

_"Is it so bad for me to marry the girl I love? If you are right and you only have a little time left, don't you want to spend it with me? If I also had a little time left, I know I'd want to spend it with you."_

_"But what if I die then leave you?" _

_"Then I'd cry and grieve which is only normal, but it would still be worth it. I'll take whatever time you have because I love you. Besides, even marriage does not guarantee eternal happiness. Doesn't the vow go something like 'for as long as we both shall live' or 'til death do us part'?"_

_"Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by you. Was I selfish to love you Peeta?" _

_"I'd probably do the same. You could love me now then leave me tomorrow. So long as you love me"_

_"Peeta, I'm scared" _

_"Then let's be scared together."_

The table wobbled and off fell a picture frame of me and Peeta at our wedding. I looked at the cracked picture frame like a bad omen.

"Peeta…"

It's been 10 minutes since Peeta stepped out of the house. I was scared so I went to follow him.

It was a 5 minute walk from our house. I was standing on the street corner opposite the convenience store, watching Peeta come out. I was again able to breathe freely seeing him but I had a good mind to scold him about hiding things from me.

Peeta noticed me standing there and he looked surprised. Who wouldn't? I've hardly been out of bed at home and I barely walk around the house because of the joint pains. But worrying about Peeta, made me forget the pain.

He smiled as he made his way towards me, waving the ice cream in his hands.

I smiled back, waiting for him to cross to my side.

But it never happened.

In the blink of an eye, a truck lost control, coming dangerously fast and hit Peeta.

It happened very fast but everything seemed as if it were in slow motion, I saw him with a surprised look on his face as his body lifted from the impact and how he landed unceremoniously on the pavement.

I didn't even have the time to scream. I ran to his side immediately.

Peeta was still alive, his breathing uneven and coughing up blood though he couldn't move. Looking at him, I knew he had several broken bones and that his ribs must have punctured his lungs.

I asked the bystanders to call an ambulance immediately. If we could just get him in time, he'll still make it. I did not want to think of the other scenario if we couldn't.

"Hold on, Peeta. I'm here" I said as I held his hands.

"I'm sss…sorry" he said.

"Don't worry. When the ambulance comes, I'll get you to the hospital and we'll fix you up. I won't let you…I won't let anything happen to you." I promised.

"Something's hhhhappened… to me already… IIIII'm sorry… for lying Katnissss..." he confessed with difficulty.

"No, don't speak like that. It's alright. I know already. A letter came by today and I just read it. I was mad at you initially for lying then I felt hurt that you've been keeping things from me, but I understand why you did the things you did. We could still get through this Peeta. Promise me, it will be you and me until the end."

"IIII just…wwwanted …ttto be with youu …and nnnot …mmmake you worry" he said, his breathing more difficult, coughing p blood.

"Don't speak anymore Peeta. Please" I begged. I was wondering how long we'll have to wait before the ambulance comes.

"I lllove youuu" he said, coughing up more blood.

"I love you too Peeta." I said reassuring him and kissed him on the lips despite the blood.

"Please hold on for me" I pleaded.

"Everything… wwwill be… aalright. I'll… wwwait… ffffor… youu…" he said, managing a weak smile before he broke in a gasp and then he stilled.

I felt his hands go limp in mine and watched as the light in his blue eyes go dim.

"Oh God! Nooo! Peeta!" I screamed.

The doctor in me kicked in. I tried to resuscitate him by myself. I did my cardiac compressions, not wanting to let him go, willing his heart to keep on beating. My arms were soon growing tired but I still couldn't get him back.

"Please, please, let me save him again!" I was screaming inside my head. If God was out there somehere, I wished He was listening in to me at that moment.

The ambulance came in a little while, but there was nothing more they could do. They had to pull me away from him so they could remove his body.

I saw them take away his lifeless corpse. Peeta was already somewhere far away now, out of my reach. My arms felt tired and empty without him but nothing beats the emptiness boring a hole in my heart.

When is it right to give up the fight? When is it right to let go of the one you love? I felt sorry I could not do more for Peeta. I felt sorry that he had to go like this. I felt sorry that I was left alone.

I was crying in the unfairness of it all. I thought I would be leaving him because I was sick, turns out he'd be leaving me sooner.

I went back home to call our parents and inform them of what happened. Peeta's body was already at the funeral home and I'm here to pick out his clothes.

I saw the forgotten apple pie on the kitchen table and winced.

_"I'll just go to the store so don't cheat on eating the pie without me. Wait for me, okay?"_

_"I promise"_

I chose the black suit he wore on our wedding where he looked so handsome. I could still recall it as if it were yesterday when we exchanged vows.

_"I, Katniss Everdeen, take thee Peeta Mellark, as my lawfully wedded husband. You're everything I never knew I was missing. You're the love of my life. I love and cherish you with all that I am for the rest of my life. " _

_"I, Peeta Mellark, take thee Katniss Everdeen, as my lawfully wedded wife. This moment is everything that I have been waiting for. This is a once in a lifetime thing for me. You are mine as I am yours. I have always loved you and I will go on loving you with all that I am for all of my life."_

I was given Peeta's wallet and I was going to put it in his bedside drawer when I saw a paper sticking out. It was a letter addressed to me.

_My Beloved Katniss,_

_The only reason you'd be reading this is when I have gone before you. I don't know how long I've got but the doctors said within a year or two so I was hoping I'd hold on and follow you. But obviously, I was wrong._

_I am sorry to leave you alone. If I were given a choice I would never, but as it is, mortality kicks in when you least expect it. But maybe it was better this way, because if I had been left behind, I might do something bad again just to follow you. I don't think I could bear losing you even just for a day._

_By now you would have deduced that the reason why I tried to kill myself was because I was dying anyway. But you saved me and gave me a reason to live._

_I'm sorry if my love for you was selfish. Not letting you know that I was sick. At first, I was just hoping that you'd let me love you but then you loved me back and it changed things for me. I wanted to confess to you but I found out you were sick too. I was already worried that you were worrying about your sickness that I did not want to worry you with mine._

_You should believe that I already did love you when I was fourteen and as a man, you will always be the one I love. You'd never admit it but I think you also already loved me then._

_ Our timing sucks but I don't regret a minute of it. God gave me a 2__nd__ life to be with you and it's the best gift anyone could ask for. I was so happy the day you told me you love me and I was even happier when we got married. _

_I'm not good with goodbyes. You have to recall how terrible I was when I was fourteen. So I don't know how to do this properly. So let's just forget about goodbyes, because it is something I could never do. _

_Instead, I'll just leave you with a promise._

_If there was a heaven somewhere, I'll be there and wait for you. It won't be too bad as we have forever ahead of us._

_And if reincarnation exists, I hope in my next life, we'll be the same age or I'm the older one so you won't have an excuse again. And so I could go about courting you properly. _

_I really do hope we could fall in love all over again and pick up where we left off. I love you too much not to think that our love would go beyond death and maybe even into the next life. _

_So until then, know that I love you and will always love you. _

_Peeta_

Everyone thinks I saved Peeta's life but it was actually Peeta who saved mine.

God must have made it possible for us to meet again because I needed Peeta to save me. I have been living the way I thought was best but I didn't know I could live my life differently, better. I was grateful of the time I had with him even if it was for a while.

Peeta taught me how to live and how to love and finally how to let go.

Everything happens for a reason even if we don't understand it, but it is always at the right time. I may never know why things had to be like this for Peeta and me but I know enough that God isn't cruel. He has his reasons, and I trust Him.

I was dying but it was just a part of the natural order of things. I wasn't scared of death, not with Peeta waiting for me. Who knows? Maybe in time, we'll meet again.

"I love you too Peeta, so much that I know my love for you will remain even as I breathe my last. I won't be long. Wait for me, my love."


End file.
